MannaServo: (in a really swishy voice) Starring Ray Vecchio, the gay blade!
[Ray and Fraser enter a government building]
LindaWeezer: Look how Fraser runs ahead to open the door for him. Isn't that sweet?
Ray: This won't take long. The guy will tell the parole board he wants out. The arresting officer - that's me - will tell them he's an animal. Then they'll put him back in for another year.
Fraser: Well, if it's a foregone conclusion, why go through the exercise?
MannaServo: So you can climb those stairs and look at his peaches!
Ray: Cos this is a democracy.
[Sign in at a security checkpoint]
Fraser: What's making you so edgy today?
LindaWeezer: Being horny will do that to ya.
Ray: What are you talking about, edgy? That's me. I always got edge.
MannaServo: And good grammar.
LindaWeezer: Told ya.
Doc: He didn't mean your nose, Vecchio.
Fraser: It's not every day you check your cell phone instead of your gun. [to guard] Thank you kindly.
Doc: What, Fraser? Miffed because ye didn't get to pat him down?
Lawyer: While incarcerated, my client, Mr. Carver, earned a Ph.D. in chemistry - oh, and a masters in mechanical engineering from Northwestern University.
LindaWeezer: Yeah, but can he dance?
Ray [to Fraser]: This is one sick dude.
AmandaPoxyBot: Let's play doctor!
Fraser: I'm sure he is.
Ray: You can tell he's bad news just by looking at him.
Fraser: Well, actually, Ray, I think he seems presentable.
Doc: Boy, that Mountie has a wandering eye.
Ray: Then how do you know he's bad news?
MannaServo: He slipped me the tongue back in the men's room.
Fraser: Because you said he was bad news.
Lawyer: Mr. Carver also helped to reorganize the prison library. Now he gets full marks at every evaluation as a well-behaved, model prisoner. Now, if the word rehabilitation does not apply to my client, then I think maybe we should just remove it from the dictionary.
LindaWeezer: Good thinking. Call Webster.
Ray: Charles Carver is a vicious predator who should not be put back on the street.
AmandaPoxyBot: So give him a job with the Post Office!
Parole board officer: Predator? His records show only one arrest and conviction for arson.
LindaWeezer: Oh yeah, it's just arson. I'm sure he's sorry.
Ray: He's lived with a series of women -
Doc: Oh, I get it! We lock him up because he's straight. Right!
Lawyer: Hardly a crime.
MannaServo: Oh! The wit! It's killing me.
Ray: One of whom is missing and the other who is dead. Now, we never nailed this turkey for any of those but -
Lawyer: Excuse me, but Detective Vecchio is completely out of line. My client has never been accused of, never mind arrested for, any other crime.
Assistant States Attorney Madeline Carnes: Detective Vecchio, as the arresting officer, has spent time with the prisoner -
Doc: Don't make the Mountie jealous!
LindaWeezer: It was just one time, and he didn't enjoy it. Really.
Lawyer: Which produced no further charges. Look, are we going to start incarcerating people based on groundless accusations?
MannaServo: Yes yes yes!
LindaWeezer: Groundless accusations are the best kind!
Carver: I would like a chance to show Detective Vecchio that I've learned a great deal while in prison, and that he greatly underestimates this - turkey.
AmandaPoxyBot: I passed the Martha Stewart Home Study Course with honors.
[Parole is granted]
[Maddie takes a shower; something falls down, startling her.]
MannaServo: Fortunately, it's just a SEVERED HUMAN HEAD!!
[Ray and Fraser pull up at a curb beside construction sign]]
Fraser: Thanks for driving me by here, Ray. Apparently, there was a special request that someone from the Canadian Consulate pay a visit.
Ray: To a building that hasn't been built yet?
Fraser: That wasn't mentioned, no.
Ray: Who made the request?
Fraser: I don't know. Perhaps it was some kind of miscommunication.
MannaServo: Well, that doesn't sound suspicious at all!
Doc: <sticks tongue out, makes raspberry sound>
Ray: Vecchio. . . Yeah, right. I'm all over it. [to Fraser] Well, I just got a call. Building up the street.
[At Maddie's apartment.]
Housekeeper: Inside. I'll make more tea.
Fraser: Thank you kindly.
Ray: Hey, Maddie, what's going on?
AmandaPoxyBot: (singing) Hey hah, hey nah, the turkey's dead!
Ray: We got a call from this address on a 634.2.
Maddie: Yeah, in the bathroom. [to Fraser as Ray leaves] Hi.
Fraser. Hi. Excuse us. [calls to Ray] Ray, what exactly is a 634.2?
Ray: Turkey in the shower?
Doc: (singing) Chicken in a breadpan pickin' out dough...
Maddie: I didn't see it. It seemed like it sort of grabbed me and I sort of freaked.
LindaWeezer: Don't you just hate it when that happens?
AmandaPoxyBot: I mean, Ray always gives Benny flowers before he grabs him.
[Ray puts turkey on table]
LindaWeezer: Thank God he didn't call him a swine.
Ray: All right, Maddie. If you don't mind, we're going to have to ask you a few questions. Is there anybody in your life who's a practical joker?
Ray: Any weirdoes or creeps that have a crush on you?
MannaServo: Well, some of those "I like Ray Kowalski" people have been sending me some email.
AmandaPoxyBot: And that weird Col. Sanders guy.
Maddie: The hours that I work, it's pretty much no guys.
MannaServo: Oh please. That is not the first turkey she's had in that shower.
Ray: Well, Benny, I guess you're going to want to lick it.
Doc: Go for it, Ray! Whip it out!
Fraser: Why is that, Ray?
Ray: To see where it came from.
Fraser: Well, it's obvious it came from a supermarket. It's a standard frozen turkey, self-basting.
Ray: Yeah. Looks like we're not going to get any fingerprints off it.
Fraser: I think that's unlikely.
Ray [checks front door]: No obvious signs of forced entry. You know, Maddie, I'm going to have a team come down to take a look around, if you don't mind.
AmandaPoxyBot: Toga party!
Fraser [checks inside turkey]: I get sent to this neighborhood by an inauthentic call. Coincidentally, you receive a call that sends you to a nearby apartment, which coincidentally belongs to an assistant states attorney who attended a parole hearing during which, coincidentally, you called the prisoner a turkey.
LindaWeezer: Do the math, do the math!
Doc: Turkey carver. <heavy sarcasm> Yeah, I get it.
LindaWeezer: Bingo! You win a turkey!
Maddie: So we can arrest him.
Ray: For what? Assault with poultry?
Fraser [pulls out packet from turkey]: Very heavy giblets.
MannaServo: (in Ray's voice) Why, thank you!
Ray: Toy bus.
Fraser: Line 28.
Ray: That's the Kenwood bus. . . Maddie, don't be alone today.
Doc: Gee, he doesn't *look* like a man who takes mass transportation...
LindaWeezer: Alone? She's got the turkey and the maid. Sounds like a party.
Fraser: Thank you kindly.
Ray: It started with a young woman named Katie Banks. We found her body under a bridge. She'd been living with Carver. She bought him a car, a stereo, and a computer with her family money. And then he shacked up with a woman 15 years older. She ended up dead, but after putting Carver in her will.
Fraser: What was the cause of death?
Ray: Accidental. At least that's all we could show. This guy is cruel, gets inside their heads.
LindaWeezer: D'you check her skull for little holes?
Fraser: So you think it's possible that he drove her to kill herself, then made it look like an accident?
LindaWeezer: Ooooo, that Mountie is sharp!
Ray: It's possible. Then within weeks he found Helen Harris. Now, Miss Harris was willing to talk to us about the physical and psychological abuse, but she disappeared. And then we got lucky. A building burned down that he had an interest in. When I scoured the scene, I found the heel of a shoe that matched one that I found at his townhouse.
AmandaPoxyBot: Cinderfella? Didn't Jerry Lewis do that movie?
Fraser: So he slipped up?
Ray: The only time. Now, we couldn't get him for what he did to those women, but we were able to put him away for a few years. He was furious, screaming that it was a bum rap. It made him nuts that he got caught. . . Here's our bus.
LindaWeezer: Didn't you guys see Speed?
MannaServo: (singing) Good bus! Magic bus!
AmandaPoxyBot: No, Ken plastic, like Barbie.
Driver: You got it.
Doc: He ain't talking about Ray, doof.
Carver [watching through field glasses]: Nice move. [flips a switch on a dual-switch remote; the brake line on the bus breaks]
Driver: What the - ?
[Flips second switch and bus accelerates]
Driver: Hey - !
Ray: No brakes?
Driver: No! The accelerator - it's stuck. Everybody, hang on!
LindaWeezer: Yeah, like they wouldn't.
Fraser: All right. Ray, do you know this area?
AmandaPoxyBot: (Fraser's voice) This area, Ray, right below my Sam Browne.
Fraser: Okay. We need to find somewhere nice and soft to land in.
Ray: In the middle of the city?
Fraser: Think goose down or shaving cream.
LindaWeezer: Giving Ray ideas again, you little teaser!
Ray: Shaving cream? You think someone's going to have a pile of shaving cream piled up somewhere in the middle of a city?
LindaWeezer: No but he still has that whipped cream on the nightstand.
Fraser: No, Ray, we're brainstorming. [to driver] Do you have a city map?
Fraser: I've got it here. E-4.
Ray: Okay, we're going to be coming up to some serious traffic and then a dead end.
Fraser: Yeah, I see it. Road. Think - ah - think -
Fraser: Water. Lake Michigan.
Driver: Hold on!
[Bus dodges traffic, makes a hard left]
Fraser: Well done, sir.
LindaWeezer: Looked medium rare to me.
Driver: Thank you. Now what are we going to do when we get to the lake?
Fraser: Keep going.
MannaServo: Go swimming!
LindaWeezer: Skinny dipping!
[Bus goes into lake]
Ray [assisting passengers]: Okay, take your time. Easy. Watch the water. . . Easy. . . That's it. . . Laurie?
Ray: How are you?
Laurie: I'm all right. I'm all right.
Ray: Hey, Benny, I'd like you to meet my first partner, Laurie Zaylor.
Ray: I haven't seen you since you quit the force.
AmandaPoxyBot: (using Darth Vader's voice) The Force was not strong in you, Lauri-Wan.
Laurie: Yeah, well, I pretty much stayed away from all the old places. The point was a calmer lifestyle, less excitement.
Fraser: Do you ride this bus every day?
Laurie: Every day.
Fraser: At the same time?
Carver: How did you do, Detective? Did you figure it out by yourself, or did you get help?
Ray: You've blown it this time.
Carver: Blown it? No, Detective. Blowing it is for next time.
MannaServo: ALL RIGHT!!
Doc: Promises, promises!
LindaWeezer: Can I watch?
[Hallway in apartment building]
Fraser: Well, I'm not saying I won't accompany you, Ray. Obviously, I am accompanying you. I'm just suggesting that you act with restraint, not out of pure emotion.
Doc: What? He wants Ray to restrain him? This could get interesting!
Ray: If I was acting out of pure emotion, I would just kill the guy. So anything you see short of that is a model of restraint.
LindaWeezer: Shaving cream, pure emotion, modeling restraints, hmmmm...
AmandaPoxyBot: Always knew the Mountie was kinky.
Fraser: I'll remember that.
LindaWeezer: I'll bet.
[Ray knocks, door opens]
Carver: Detective Vecchio. Well -
Ray: Violating your parole within hours of being let out - how smart is that?! Endangering the lives of 30 individuals and then calling up to take credit for it - how smart is that?! And since you have to register with the parole officer and we're going to know where you are every minute of every day - how smart is that?
Fraser: Ray? [indicates teenaged girl in room]
Doc: I didn't know you swung that way, Frase.
Ray: What's he done to you?
Doc: Guess he doesn't like sloppy seconds.
Shannon: He's tutoring me in chemistry.
Carver: Pure torture for some.
Fraser: It's Avogadro's number, Ray. It's standard in any high school chemistry class.
MannaServo: (in a very hurt Ray voice) What are you doing with this Avogadro guy's number, Benny?
Carver: I don't believe I've had the pleasure. . .
Doc: Now he's trying to make Ray jealous.
Fraser: Constable Benton Fraser, Royal Canadian Mounted Police. . .
Carver: . . .Canadian Mounted Police. Yes, I know. I love the Mounties.
MannaServo: Hey, that's dirty even for me! Pervert.
AmandaPoxyBot: (in a Tina Turner falsetto) Oh-oh-oh, what's love got to do with it?
Fraser: Well, thank you.
Ray: Don't be thanking him.
Doc: No, make him beg for it!
MannaServo: He's such a sub. I swear.
Carver: There must be some logical explanation for you going around on duty with a Chicago policeman.
Fraser: Curious, possibly. But logical? No.
LindaWeezer: Oh, just go ahead and tell him you guys sleep together. He's figured that out already anyway.
Carver: A refreshing openness. A quality local law enforcement is sorely lacking...
LindaWeezer: That's because they use lubricant.
...I was arrested and convicted for a crime I didn't commit.
LindaWeezer: Complain, complain...
Fraser: There was physical evidence.
Carver: False evidence. Could I have been as stupid as they suggest?
Fraser: You know, Mr. Carver, even the brightest light bulbs burn out.
AmandaPoxyBot: Ooooh, snappy comeback, Benny!
Carver: Indeed. But is it not possible that your friend here crossed the line and framed an innocent man?
Ray: That's enough, Carver.
Carver: I hope so. Unless the Chicago Police Department has a problem with the teaching of high school science, Shannon and I have a great deal of material to get through.
Doc: Yeah, and denim's tough.
Ray: Save it for someone who cares.
[Hallway at station]
Welsh: So we're raiding chemistry classes now, eh, Vecchio? Trying to combat this vicious epidemic of people trying to improve their minds in the city of Chicago?
Ray: That wasn't the purpose, sir.
Welsh: Well, good. So there was a reason for you to upset this law-abiding, north-side student?
Ray: This guy's dirty, Lieutenant. He's out of control. He's gonna hurt somebody.
Doc: What? He doesn't use condoms?
Welsh: I think it is time to check around, see who is out of control.
Ray: All right. Fine. Let's put a watch on him.
LindaWeezer: One of those little Mickey Mouse ones would look nice.
Welsh: All right. I'll put a team on it. But - you've got to nail him for something a little more serious than giving too much homework.
MannaServo: Ah! More rapier-like wit! Oh! My heart!
[Huey and another cop keep watch on Carver's place; Ray and Fraser in Riv; phone rings]
LindaWeezer: Could we maybe start tracing these calls?
Fraser: Detective Vecchio's mobile office.
AmandaPoxyBot: *And* 24-hour Mountie-Sitting Service.
Carver: He available?
Doc: <Fraser voice> No, he's all mine!
Ray [takes phone]: Yeah?
Carver: A full bore Carver stakeout. I'm impressed, Detective.
Ray: Don't be.
Carver: This will make for a very solid Carver alibi, now, won't it?
Ray: It depends on what you're planning.
AmandaPoxyBot: Nothing much, just a small dinner, a few drinks. . .
Carver: You're in your car, aren't you, Detective? I'm surprised you'd let your timing get out of adjustment like that.
Ray: Make your move, pal. Let's get this over with tonight.
Carver: Good night socks, good night clocks, good night room, and good night moon. . .
LindaWeezer: And good night, John Boy.
[Ray's bedroom; morning; phone rings]
Carver: When you drive your car this morning, you'll find the timing improved. Oh, and a couple of those belts and hoses were shot, so it just made sense to replace them. Basic stuff. Simple maintenance. You should keep on top of this, Detective.
Doc: He wants Ray to be the top? Not what I woulda guessed.
[Ray checks car; returns inside; phone rings]
Carver: You aren't even going to say thank you? Did you notice also the car had been detailed?
Ray: You can kiss your parole goodbye, Carver.
Carver: Is it against the law to do something nice for someone? Do you want the old hoses put back? The timing made bad again? Do you like dirt on a car?
LindaWeezer: No, but if you hum a few bars...
Maddie: Constable Fraser, Frank Greco is visiting us from the States Attorney's Office. He specializes in police officer-related misconduct. So he'd like to ask you a couple of questions about Detective Vecchio.
LindaWeezer: Hey, what about the "don't ask, don't tell" policy?
Fraser: Detective Vecchio is a fine officer. I have never worked with better. [to Maddie] You know how committed he is.
Doc: Ain't love grand?
Greco: We all know how committed he is. That's what I need to learn more about.
LindaWeezer: Sounds like this guy's into voyeurism.
Fraser: Is that a problem?
Greco: He seems to be taking the Carver case very personally.
Fraser: Well, Carver has made it very personal.
Greco: What's your assessment of Detective Vechio's current frame of mind?
Fraser: I'm sorry, I, um. . . Detective Vecchio is my colleague and my friend.
LindaWeezer: And my poopsie-woopsie.
Fraser: As a consequence, I really can't participate in this.
Doc: A spouse can't be made to testify against their S.O.
Greco: That's your election.
LindaWeezer: Did he say erection?
Fraser: Yes, I know. And I elect not to participate. Thank you.
AmandaPoxyBot: Just not into threesomes, sorry.
Fraser [to Huey]: Have you seen Detective Vecchio?
LindaWeezer: Is this a trick question?
Huey: Nope. Haven't seen him, but feel free to have a seat at his desk.
AmandaPoxyBot: Or in my lap, Mountie Boy.
Fraser: Thank you.
[Fraser sees a paper cup filled with water with a toy boat in it on Ray's desk]
AmandaPoxyBot: OK, whose urine sample is this?
Ray: What is it with you guys? You let that bozo slip right by you. [sees toy in Fraser's hand] What's that?
Fraser: It was on your desk.
Ray: Put it down.
[smashes the toy]
Ray: No more games.
Fraser: Ray, do you know anyone with a boat called the Bookem?
Ray: Yeah. Will Kelly. He was here before Welsh. Retired to fish up on the river. He was my first supervisor. . . Huey, call the sheriff up there. Let's go.
MannaServo: (as Huey) What, are your arms broken?
Ray: Will Kelly was - he was the best. Everybody looked up to him. He was like - I don't know - I imagine, your dad.
Fraser: I understand.
Ray: For some reason, he thought I could do this job and that I could be really good at it. It was because of him I made detective when I did.
Doc: Will Kelly, the pimp of the 27th.
Fraser: I've heard his name mentioned.
AmandaPoxyBot: Especially by the hookers in the holding cells.
Ray: They still quote him today. A good cop is never wet and never hungry. Interrogation is a contact sport. And all suspects are guilty of something.
LindaWeezer: What an icon!
AmandaPoxyBot: The Jack Lord School of Police Science.
Carver [listening]: Let me write that down.
[t Kelly's trailer]
Sheriff: Detective Vecchio, Vince Corey.
Ray: Yeah, how you doing? Benton Fraser.
Sheriff: Hey, that's a smart color for hunting season. I wish I could get everybody else to take the same precautions.
AmandaPoxyBot: Yeah, to hell with condoms! Everyone wear red coats!
Fraser: Thank you.
Ray: Where's Kelly?
Sheriff: Look, I have walked all around this area and everything seems to be in order.
Fraser: Where's the boat? It's a rough day to be on the water.
Sheriff: Sure is.
Ray: Kelly's boat! Call for help!
Fraser: If the current brought this in, then. . . upstream.
AmandaPoxyBot: Good Will Hunting. Bad Will Drowning.
[In Kelly's trailer]
Sheriff: You got here at the right time, Constable.
Fraser: Thank you.
Sheriff: It's a good thing you brought this fellow along, Ray. He knew right where to look.
Fraser: I'm sure Detective Vecchio would have made the same determination.
Kelly: The engine just blew. Must have been a spark in the fuel system, or --
Ray: Or a bomb.
Kelly: A bomb?
Ray: Yeah. You remember Charles Carver? We took him down when you were my supervisor.
LindaWeezer: You're going to have to explain that three-way to the Mountie later, you know.
Kelly: Yeah, we sent him up for. . .?
Ray: Arson. But we could have had him on those other charges, too. Fraud, possibly homicide.
Kelly: Well, I certainly remember you felt that way, Ray.
LindaWeezer: You felt Ray that way a lot, did you?
Ray: Well, he's out on parole. He's going after anybody who had anything to do with his case. It seems he wants the world to think he was framed.
Kelly: You had him, didn't you, Ray?
MannaServo: Kind of a personal question, don't you think?
LindaServo: Admit nothing Ray. If they don't have pictures they can't prove a thing.