The Duel

MannaServo: (in a really swishy voice) Starring Ray Vecchio, the gay blade!

[Ray and Fraser enter a government building]

LindaWeezer: Look how Fraser runs ahead to open the door for him. Isn't that sweet?

Ray: This won't take long. The guy will tell the parole board he wants out. The arresting officer - that's me - will tell them he's an animal. Then they'll put him back in for another year.

Fraser: Well, if it's a foregone conclusion, why go through the exercise?

MannaServo: So you can climb those stairs and look at his peaches!

Ray: Cos this is a democracy.

[Sign in at a security checkpoint]

Fraser: What's making you so edgy today?

LindaWeezer: Being horny will do that to ya.

Ray: What are you talking about, edgy? That's me. I always got edge.

MannaServo: And good grammar.

LindaWeezer: Told ya.

Doc: He didn't mean your nose, Vecchio.

Fraser: It's not every day you check your cell phone instead of your gun. [to guard] Thank you kindly.

Doc: What, Fraser? Miffed because ye didn't get to pat him down?

[Hearing room.]

Lawyer: While incarcerated, my client, Mr. Carver, earned a Ph.D. in chemistry - oh, and a masters in mechanical engineering from Northwestern University.

LindaWeezer: Yeah, but can he dance?

Ray [to Fraser]: This is one sick dude.

AmandaPoxyBot: Let's play doctor!

Fraser: I'm sure he is.

Ray: You can tell he's bad news just by looking at him.

Fraser: Well, actually, Ray, I think he seems presentable.

Doc: Boy, that Mountie has a wandering eye.

Ray: Then how do you know he's bad news?

MannaServo: He slipped me the tongue back in the men's room.

Fraser: Because you said he was bad news.

Lawyer: Mr. Carver also helped to reorganize the prison library. Now he gets full marks at every evaluation as a well-behaved, model prisoner. Now, if the word rehabilitation does not apply to my client, then I think maybe we should just remove it from the dictionary.

LindaWeezer: Good thinking. Call Webster.

Ray: Charles Carver is a vicious predator who should not be put back on the street.

AmandaPoxyBot: So give him a job with the Post Office!

Parole board officer: Predator? His records show only one arrest and conviction for arson.

LindaWeezer: Oh yeah, it's just arson. I'm sure he's sorry.

Ray: He's lived with a series of women -

Doc: Oh, I get it! We lock him up because he's straight. Right!

Lawyer: Hardly a crime.

MannaServo: Oh! The wit! It's killing me.

Ray: One of whom is missing and the other who is dead. Now, we never nailed this turkey for any of those but -

Lawyer: Excuse me, but Detective Vecchio is completely out of line. My client has never been accused of, never mind arrested for, any other crime.

Assistant States Attorney Madeline Carnes: Detective Vecchio, as the arresting officer, has spent time with the prisoner -

Doc: Don't make the Mountie jealous!

LindaWeezer: It was just one time, and he didn't enjoy it. Really.

Lawyer: Which produced no further charges. Look, are we going to start incarcerating people based on groundless accusations?

MannaServo: Yes yes yes!

LindaWeezer: Groundless accusations are the best kind!

Carver: I would like a chance to show Detective Vecchio that I've learned a great deal while in prison, and that he greatly underestimates this - turkey.

AmandaPoxyBot: I passed the Martha Stewart Home Study Course with honors.

[Parole is granted]

[Maddie takes a shower; something falls down, startling her.]

MannaServo: Fortunately, it's just a SEVERED HUMAN HEAD!!

[Ray and Fraser pull up at a curb beside construction sign]]

Fraser: Thanks for driving me by here, Ray. Apparently, there was a special request that someone from the Canadian Consulate pay a visit.

Ray: To a building that hasn't been built yet?

Fraser: That wasn't mentioned, no.

Ray: Who made the request?

Fraser: I don't know. Perhaps it was some kind of miscommunication.

MannaServo: Well, that doesn't sound suspicious at all!

Doc: <sticks tongue out, makes raspberry sound>

[phone rings]

Ray: Vecchio. . . Yeah, right. I'm all over it. [to Fraser] Well, I just got a call. Building up the street.

[At Maddie's apartment.]

Housekeeper: Inside. I'll make more tea.

Fraser: Thank you kindly.

Ray: Hey, Maddie, what's going on?

Maddie: Hey.

AmandaPoxyBot: (singing) Hey hah, hey nah, the turkey's dead!

Ray: We got a call from this address on a 634.2.

Maddie: Yeah, in the bathroom. [to Fraser as Ray leaves] Hi.

Fraser. Hi. Excuse us. [calls to Ray] Ray, what exactly is a 634.2?

Ray: Turkey in the shower?

Doc: (singing) Chicken in a breadpan pickin' out dough...

Maddie: I didn't see it. It seemed like it sort of grabbed me and I sort of freaked.

LindaWeezer: Don't you just hate it when that happens?

Fraser: Understandably.

AmandaPoxyBot: I mean, Ray always gives Benny flowers before he grabs him.

[Ray puts turkey on table]

LindaWeezer: Thank God he didn't call him a swine.

Ray: All right, Maddie. If you don't mind, we're going to have to ask you a few questions. Is there anybody in your life who's a practical joker?

Maddie: No.

Ray: Any weirdoes or creeps that have a crush on you?

MannaServo: Well, some of those "I like Ray Kowalski" people have been sending me some email.

AmandaPoxyBot: And that weird Col. Sanders guy.

Maddie: The hours that I work, it's pretty much no guys.

MannaServo: Oh please. That is not the first turkey she's had in that shower.

Ray: Well, Benny, I guess you're going to want to lick it.

Doc: Go for it, Ray! Whip it out!

Fraser: Why is that, Ray?

Ray: To see where it came from.

Fraser: Well, it's obvious it came from a supermarket. It's a standard frozen turkey, self-basting.

Doc: Auto-poultryism?

Ray: Yeah. Looks like we're not going to get any fingerprints off it.

Fraser: I think that's unlikely.

Ray [checks front door]: No obvious signs of forced entry. You know, Maddie, I'm going to have a team come down to take a look around, if you don't mind.

Maddie: Yeah.

AmandaPoxyBot: Toga party!

Fraser [checks inside turkey]: I get sent to this neighborhood by an inauthentic call. Coincidentally, you receive a call that sends you to a nearby apartment, which coincidentally belongs to an assistant states attorney who attended a parole hearing during which, coincidentally, you called the prisoner a turkey.

LindaWeezer: Do the math, do the math!

Ray: Carver.

Doc: Turkey carver. <heavy sarcasm> Yeah, I get it.

LindaWeezer: Bingo! You win a turkey!

Fraser: Mmm.

Maddie: So we can arrest him.

Ray: For what? Assault with poultry?

Fraser [pulls out packet from turkey]: Very heavy giblets.

MannaServo: (in Ray's voice) Why, thank you!

[opens packet]

Ray: Toy bus.

Fraser: Line 28.

Ray: That's the Kenwood bus. . . Maddie, don't be alone today.

Doc: Gee, he doesn't *look* like a man who takes mass transportation...

LindaWeezer: Alone? She's got the turkey and the maid. Sounds like a party.

Fraser: Thank you kindly.

[In Riv]

Ray: It started with a young woman named Katie Banks. We found her body under a bridge. She'd been living with Carver. She bought him a car, a stereo, and a computer with her family money. And then he shacked up with a woman 15 years older. She ended up dead, but after putting Carver in her will.

Fraser: What was the cause of death?

Ray: Accidental. At least that's all we could show. This guy is cruel, gets inside their heads.

LindaWeezer: D'you check her skull for little holes?

Fraser: So you think it's possible that he drove her to kill herself, then made it look like an accident?

LindaWeezer: Ooooo, that Mountie is sharp!

Ray: It's possible. Then within weeks he found Helen Harris. Now, Miss Harris was willing to talk to us about the physical and psychological abuse, but she disappeared. And then we got lucky. A building burned down that he had an interest in. When I scoured the scene, I found the heel of a shoe that matched one that I found at his townhouse.

AmandaPoxyBot: Cinderfella? Didn't Jerry Lewis do that movie?

Fraser: So he slipped up?

Ray: The only time. Now, we couldn't get him for what he did to those women, but we were able to put him away for a few years. He was furious, screaming that it was a bum rap. It made him nuts that he got caught. . . Here's our bus.

LindaWeezer: Didn't you guys see Speed?

[On bus]

MannaServo: (singing) Good bus! Magic bus!

Fraser: Kenwood?

AmandaPoxyBot: No, Ken plastic, like Barbie.

Driver: You got it.

Fraser: Good.

Doc: He ain't talking about Ray, doof.

Carver [watching through field glasses]: Nice move. [flips a switch on a dual-switch remote; the brake line on the bus breaks]

Driver: What the - ?

[Flips second switch and bus accelerates]

Driver: Hey - !

Ray: No brakes?

Driver: No! The accelerator - it's stuck. Everybody, hang on!

LindaWeezer: Yeah, like they wouldn't.

Fraser: All right. Ray, do you know this area?

AmandaPoxyBot: (Fraser's voice) This area, Ray, right below my Sam Browne.

Ray: Yeah.

Fraser: Okay. We need to find somewhere nice and soft to land in.

Ray: In the middle of the city?

Fraser: Think goose down or shaving cream.

LindaWeezer: Giving Ray ideas again, you little teaser!

Ray: Shaving cream? You think someone's going to have a pile of shaving cream piled up somewhere in the middle of a city?

LindaWeezer: No but he still has that whipped cream on the nightstand.

Fraser: No, Ray, we're brainstorming. [to driver] Do you have a city map?

Driver: There.

Fraser: I've got it here. E-4.

Doc: Bingo!

Ray: Okay, we're going to be coming up to some serious traffic and then a dead end.

Fraser: Yeah, I see it. Road. Think - ah - think -

Ray: Sawdust.

Fraser: Water. Lake Michigan.

Driver: Hold on!

[Bus dodges traffic, makes a hard left]

Fraser: Well done, sir.

LindaWeezer: Looked medium rare to me.

Driver: Thank you. Now what are we going to do when we get to the lake?

Fraser: Keep going.

MannaServo: Go swimming!

LindaWeezer: Skinny dipping!

[Bus goes into lake]

Ray [assisting passengers]: Okay, take your time. Easy. Watch the water. . . Easy. . . That's it. . . Laurie?

Laurie: Ray?

Ray: How are you?

Laurie: I'm all right. I'm all right.

Ray: Hey, Benny, I'd like you to meet my first partner, Laurie Zaylor.

Laurie: Hi.

Ray: I haven't seen you since you quit the force.

AmandaPoxyBot: (using Darth Vader's voice) The Force was not strong in you, Lauri-Wan.

Laurie: Yeah, well, I pretty much stayed away from all the old places. The point was a calmer lifestyle, less excitement.

Fraser: Do you ride this bus every day?

Laurie: Every day.

Fraser: At the same time?

Laurie: Yeah.

[phone rings.]

Ray: Vecchio.

Carver: How did you do, Detective? Did you figure it out by yourself, or did you get help?

Ray: You've blown it this time.

Carver: Blown it? No, Detective. Blowing it is for next time.

MannaServo: ALL RIGHT!!

Doc: Promises, promises!

LindaWeezer: Can I watch?

[Hallway in apartment building]

Fraser: Well, I'm not saying I won't accompany you, Ray. Obviously, I am accompanying you. I'm just suggesting that you act with restraint, not out of pure emotion.

Doc: What? He wants Ray to restrain him? This could get interesting!

Ray: If I was acting out of pure emotion, I would just kill the guy. So anything you see short of that is a model of restraint.

LindaWeezer: Shaving cream, pure emotion, modeling restraints, hmmmm...

AmandaPoxyBot: Always knew the Mountie was kinky.

Fraser: I'll remember that.

LindaWeezer: I'll bet.

[Ray knocks, door opens]

Carver: Detective Vecchio. Well -

Ray: Violating your parole within hours of being let out - how smart is that?! Endangering the lives of 30 individuals and then calling up to take credit for it - how smart is that?! And since you have to register with the parole officer and we're going to know where you are every minute of every day - how smart is that?

Fraser: Ray? [indicates teenaged girl in room]

Doc: I didn't know you swung that way, Frase.

Ray: What's he done to you?

Doc: Guess he doesn't like sloppy seconds.

Shannon: He's tutoring me in chemistry.

Carver: Pure torture for some.

Fraser: It's Avogadro's number, Ray. It's standard in any high school chemistry class.

MannaServo: (in a very hurt Ray voice) What are you doing with this Avogadro guy's number, Benny?

Carver: I don't believe I've had the pleasure. . .

Doc: Now he's trying to make Ray jealous.

Fraser: Constable Benton Fraser, Royal Canadian Mounted Police. . .

Carver: . . .Canadian Mounted Police. Yes, I know. I love the Mounties.

MannaServo: Hey, that's dirty even for me! Pervert.

AmandaPoxyBot: (in a Tina Turner falsetto) Oh-oh-oh, what's love got to do with it?

Fraser: Well, thank you.

Ray: Don't be thanking him.

Doc: No, make him beg for it!

Fraser: Sorry.

MannaServo: He's such a sub. I swear.

Carver: There must be some logical explanation for you going around on duty with a Chicago policeman.

Fraser: Curious, possibly. But logical? No.

LindaWeezer: Oh, just go ahead and tell him you guys sleep together. He's figured that out already anyway.

Carver: A refreshing openness. A quality local law enforcement is sorely lacking...

LindaWeezer: That's because they use lubricant.

...I was arrested and convicted for a crime I didn't commit.

LindaWeezer: Complain, complain...

Fraser: There was physical evidence.

Carver: False evidence. Could I have been as stupid as they suggest?

Fraser: You know, Mr. Carver, even the brightest light bulbs burn out.

AmandaPoxyBot: Ooooh, snappy comeback, Benny!

Carver: Indeed. But is it not possible that your friend here crossed the line and framed an innocent man?

Ray: That's enough, Carver.

Carver: I hope so. Unless the Chicago Police Department has a problem with the teaching of high school science, Shannon and I have a great deal of material to get through.

Doc: Yeah, and denim's tough.

Ray: Save it for someone who cares.

[Hallway at station]

Welsh: So we're raiding chemistry classes now, eh, Vecchio? Trying to combat this vicious epidemic of people trying to improve their minds in the city of Chicago?

Ray: That wasn't the purpose, sir.

Welsh: Well, good. So there was a reason for you to upset this law-abiding, north-side student?

Ray: This guy's dirty, Lieutenant. He's out of control. He's gonna hurt somebody.

Doc: What? He doesn't use condoms?

Welsh: I think it is time to check around, see who is out of control.

Ray: All right. Fine. Let's put a watch on him.

LindaWeezer: One of those little Mickey Mouse ones would look nice.

Welsh: All right. I'll put a team on it. But - you've got to nail him for something a little more serious than giving too much homework.

MannaServo: Ah! More rapier-like wit! Oh! My heart!

[Huey and another cop keep watch on Carver's place; Ray and Fraser in Riv; phone rings]

LindaWeezer: Could we maybe start tracing these calls?

Fraser: Detective Vecchio's mobile office.

AmandaPoxyBot: *And* 24-hour Mountie-Sitting Service.

Carver: He available?

Doc: <Fraser voice> No, he's all mine!

Ray [takes phone]: Yeah?

Carver: A full bore Carver stakeout. I'm impressed, Detective.

Ray: Don't be.

Carver: This will make for a very solid Carver alibi, now, won't it?

Ray: It depends on what you're planning.

AmandaPoxyBot: Nothing much, just a small dinner, a few drinks. . .

Carver: You're in your car, aren't you, Detective? I'm surprised you'd let your timing get out of adjustment like that.

Ray: Make your move, pal. Let's get this over with tonight.

Carver: Good night socks, good night clocks, good night room, and good night moon. . .

LindaWeezer: And good night, John Boy.

[Ray's bedroom; morning; phone rings]

Ray: Yeah?

Carver: When you drive your car this morning, you'll find the timing improved. Oh, and a couple of those belts and hoses were shot, so it just made sense to replace them. Basic stuff. Simple maintenance. You should keep on top of this, Detective.

Doc: He wants Ray to be the top? Not what I woulda guessed.

[Ray checks car; returns inside; phone rings]

Ray: What?

Carver: You aren't even going to say thank you? Did you notice also the car had been detailed?

Ray: You can kiss your parole goodbye, Carver.

Carver: Is it against the law to do something nice for someone? Do you want the old hoses put back? The timing made bad again? Do you like dirt on a car?

LindaWeezer: No, but if you hum a few bars...

[Interrogation room]

Maddie: Constable Fraser, Frank Greco is visiting us from the States Attorney's Office. He specializes in police officer-related misconduct. So he'd like to ask you a couple of questions about Detective Vecchio.

LindaWeezer: Hey, what about the "don't ask, don't tell" policy?

Fraser: Detective Vecchio is a fine officer. I have never worked with better. [to Maddie] You know how committed he is.

Doc: Ain't love grand?

Greco: We all know how committed he is. That's what I need to learn more about.

LindaWeezer: Sounds like this guy's into voyeurism.

Fraser: Is that a problem?

Greco: He seems to be taking the Carver case very personally.

Fraser: Well, Carver has made it very personal.

Greco: What's your assessment of Detective Vechio's current frame of mind?

Fraser: I'm sorry, I, um. . . Detective Vecchio is my colleague and my friend.

LindaWeezer: And my poopsie-woopsie.

Greco: Yes?

Fraser: As a consequence, I really can't participate in this.

Doc: A spouse can't be made to testify against their S.O.

Greco: That's your election.

LindaWeezer: Did he say erection?

Fraser: Yes, I know. And I elect not to participate. Thank you.

AmandaPoxyBot: Just not into threesomes, sorry.

[Squad room]

Fraser [to Huey]: Have you seen Detective Vecchio?

LindaWeezer: Is this a trick question?

Huey: Nope. Haven't seen him, but feel free to have a seat at his desk.

AmandaPoxyBot: Or in my lap, Mountie Boy.

Fraser: Thank you.

[Fraser sees a paper cup filled with water with a toy boat in it on Ray's desk]

AmandaPoxyBot: OK, whose urine sample is this?

Ray: What is it with you guys? You let that bozo slip right by you. [sees toy in Fraser's hand] What's that?

Fraser: It was on your desk.

Ray: Put it down.

[smashes the toy]

Ray: No more games.

Doc: Testy!

Fraser: Ray, do you know anyone with a boat called the Bookem?

Ray: Yeah. Will Kelly. He was here before Welsh. Retired to fish up on the river. He was my first supervisor. . . Huey, call the sheriff up there. Let's go.

MannaServo: (as Huey) What, are your arms broken?

[In Riv]

Ray: Will Kelly was - he was the best. Everybody looked up to him. He was like - I don't know - I imagine, your dad.

Fraser: I understand.

Ray: For some reason, he thought I could do this job and that I could be really good at it. It was because of him I made detective when I did.

Doc: Will Kelly, the pimp of the 27th.

Fraser: I've heard his name mentioned.

AmandaPoxyBot: Especially by the hookers in the holding cells.

Ray: They still quote him today. A good cop is never wet and never hungry. Interrogation is a contact sport. And all suspects are guilty of something.

LindaWeezer: What an icon!

AmandaPoxyBot: The Jack Lord School of Police Science.

Carver [listening]: Let me write that down.

[t Kelly's trailer]

Sheriff: Detective Vecchio, Vince Corey.

Ray: Yeah, how you doing? Benton Fraser.

Sheriff: Hey, that's a smart color for hunting season. I wish I could get everybody else to take the same precautions.

AmandaPoxyBot: Yeah, to hell with condoms! Everyone wear red coats!

Fraser: Thank you.

Ray: Where's Kelly?

Sheriff: Look, I have walked all around this area and everything seems to be in order.

Fraser: Where's the boat? It's a rough day to be on the water.

Sheriff: Sure is.

[Find debris]

Ray: Kelly's boat! Call for help!

Fraser: If the current brought this in, then. . . upstream.

[Find Kelly]

Ray: Will!

AmandaPoxyBot: Good Will Hunting. Bad Will Drowning.

[In Kelly's trailer]

Sheriff: You got here at the right time, Constable.

Fraser: Thank you.

Sheriff: It's a good thing you brought this fellow along, Ray. He knew right where to look.

Fraser: I'm sure Detective Vecchio would have made the same determination.

Kelly: The engine just blew. Must have been a spark in the fuel system, or --

Ray: Or a bomb.

Kelly: A bomb?

Ray: Yeah. You remember Charles Carver? We took him down when you were my supervisor.

LindaWeezer: You're going to have to explain that three-way to the Mountie later, you know.

Kelly: Yeah, we sent him up for. . .?

Ray: Arson. But we could have had him on those other charges, too. Fraud, possibly homicide.

Kelly: Well, I certainly remember you felt that way, Ray.

LindaWeezer: You felt Ray that way a lot, did you?

Ray: Well, he's out on parole. He's going after anybody who had anything to do with his case. It seems he wants the world to think he was framed.

Kelly: You had him, didn't you, Ray?

MannaServo: Kind of a personal question, don't you think?

LindaServo: Admit nothing Ray. If they don't have pictures they can't prove a thing.